Relegation to expedite Haaland move to Real Madrid as Arsenal land £77m defender

We last reassigned the not-sure-to-be-relegated stars of Manchester City back in September when the hearing began, and in the false hope that the imminent verdict will also include the punishment and no desire for endless appeals and various other unforeseen delays to kick the sanction down the road, we thought it wise to do an update in preparation for their relegation from the Premier League.

Not least because there has been significant change in the squad since, both in terms of personnel and the quality of individuals, to render the iteration of six months ago obsolete to the decision-makers at the Etihad – we’re only thinking of them.

Stefan Ortega – Southampton

From 1986 loanee Eric Nixon to Angus Gunn, then Willy Caballero (alright, he was at Chelsea in between) and finally Gavin Bazunu, Southampton do have a thing for signing Manchester City keepers. Plus we can’t help but chuckle at the thought of Aaron Ramsdale being shunted down the pecking order.

Ederson – Saudi Arabia

City are very unlikely to get the £40m they reportedly want for their increasingly error-prone goalkeeper who’s now well and truly lost the Premier-League-Brazilian-goalkeeper war from anyone other than an indeterminate Saudi Pro League side.

Scott Carson – Real Madrid

Obviously.

Ruben Dias – Wolves

A Jorge Mendes client, to clear up any confusion.

John Stones – Everton

“John will go on to big things, I’ve no doubt about that,” David Moyes said soon after signing Stones from Barnsley for £3m in his first stint as Everton boss. Unlikely to be followed back to Goodison by fellow 2012/2013 signings Steven Pienaar, Kevin Mirallas and Steven Naismith.

Nathan Ake – Newcastle

Ake has said that Eddie Howe has the “Pep effect”, whatever that means, but also insists they maintain “a very good relationship” from their Bournemouth days.

Josko Gvardiol – Arsenal

A centre-back-cum-full-back, you say? Yes please.

Manuel Akanji – Brentford

The data-driven, analytical approach at Brentford would serve Manuel Akanji’s most-renowned non-footballing talent well.

Abdukodir Khusanov – Paris Saint-Germain

It’s been a baptism of fire for a guy who was playing in the Belarusian league less than two years ago, but he’s definitely got something about him and PSG under Luis Enrique looks like a good spot for burgeoning young talent.

Vitor Reis – Chelsea

We’ve not seen enough of the teenager to figure out whether he will indeed be The Next Murillo as various reports claimed when he moved to City for £30m in January, but the punt-loving Chelsea child-minders will like the sound of that.

Kyle Walker – AC Milan

The loan move hasn’t put big Tommy T off so may as well make it permanent.

Rico Lewis – Bournemouth

That really is an almost parodically Bournemouth footballer name.

Kalvin Phillips – Leeds

All evidence suggests it’s the only football club Kalvin Phillips can play football for; it will surely happen no matter what the independent panel decides.

Rodri – Real Madrid

If only so he can arrive at his first training session with the Ballon d’Or in hand, to anger Jamie Carragher as much as Vinicius Junior.

Ilkay Gundogan – Bayern Munich

Absolutely no chance that Vincent Kompany doesn’t jump at the chance.

Mateo Kovacic – Inter Milan

A move that feels destined to happen given Kovacic has ‘opened the door to a return’ on multiple occasions since leaving Inter for Real Madrid nearly a decade ago.

Mathues Nunes – Wolves

With Matheus Cunha and Joao Gomes gone, Nunes will return to the Portuguese city of Wolverhampton as a hero.

Nico Gonzalez – West Ham

The natural next stop for Rodri back-ups that pale in comparison before Ipswich and then Leeds.

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James McAtee – Crystal Palace

A couple of seasons with only one James Mac at Selhurst Park was bad enough and natural order must be restored after two seasons without any.

Kevin De Bruyne – San Diego FC

Supposedly being tapped up by Juan Mata – part-owner of San Diego – as we speak and the MLS looks like the only viable option for a footballer whose legs have long gone but won’t go to Saudi.

Bernardo Silva – Fulham

The chance for the Irish father and son to reunite at Craven Cottage is not something Fulham manager Marc O’Silva is about to pass up on.

Oscar Bobb – Borussia Dortmund

A short stay, during which he’ll score and assist sufficiently to raise his market value to £100m-plus, earning him the move to Real Madrid.

Jack Grealish – AC Milan

The place for crocked, down-on-their-luck Englishmen to rediscover their form and love of football.

Claudio Echeverri – Brighton

The place for South American attacking midfielders who briefly look like world-beaters before they drift into obscurity and become interchangeable. Brighton’s No.10 next season: Facundo Encisoverri.

Maximo Perrone – Brighton

Sorry, we meant Maxundo Encisoverri.

Jeremy Doku – Barcelona

Remain in the market for a left winger despite Raphinha’s remarkable season having been snubbed by Nico Williams, who we are for some reason entirely convinced will snub them again for Arsenal.

Savinho – Palermo

Followed by Troyes, Lommel, New York City, Mumbai City and whichever other clubs the City Football Group add to their roster between now and then.

Phil Foden – Chelsea

That Chelsea squad really is looking a little light on precociously talented attacking options who could theoretically play as but categorically are not strikers. It’s also quite clearly the place to go for Manchester City academy graduates.

Nico O’Reilly – Sheffield United

Following James Trafford, Arijanet Muric and Taylor Harwood-Bellis on the well-trodden path from the Manchester City academy to one of the Premier League-Championship yo-yo teams.

Omar Marmoush – Nottingham Forest

Marmoush probably didn’t think he would be more likely to be playing Champions League football in 2025/2026 had Eintracht Frankfurt accepted Forest’s £25m in the summer rather than waiting for Manchester City to more than double that transfer fee in January, but here we are. Time to make amends.

Erling Haaland – Real Madrid

It was always going to happen at some point no matter the ludicrousness of his new City contract and we are very intrigued by just how Carlo Ancelotti would get him, Kylian Mbappe, Vinicius Junior, Rodrigo and Jude Bellingham into the same team.

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