Ruben Amorim's dream first game

We’re in an unsettling state of actually hoping Manchester United do well under Ruben Amorim. We’re finding it really, really hard to dislike the new Red Devils manager, try as we might.

We understand that the Old Trafford browbeating hasn’t begun and he may yet turn into a miserable curmudgeon, but he currently seems very happy to be there and keeps talking about “fun”, which is – well – fun.

We haven’t entirely lost our ABU senses – there would undeniably be significant hilarity in victory for Ipswich on Sunday – but with our Amorim fan-club hats on we’ve come up with the dream scenario in his first game as Manchester United manager.

Marcus Rashford hat-trick

We also retain a soft spot for Marcus Rashford despite the mad b*stard flying first class to New York to watch a basketball game in his time off rather than staying at home looking at his running stats and drinking Huel.

But guys, Gary Neville really “didn’t want ‘Neville hammers Rashford'” stories and was no doubt astonished having worked in and around football for three decades that he woke up to find ‘Neville hammers Rashford’ stories, having questioned his professionalism and called him an attention-seeker on a podcast.

We hope that such baseless besmirching of his character garners little more than an eye roll from Rashford these days, who is either a media darling or a target of rebuke – there’s no in-between. And the only way he’s going to get the media and fans onside is to start scoring goals again, because his feeding-hungry-children bit carried very little weight and if anything made his critics more angry as he needed to Focus On Football.

It looks as though Amorim is going to hand Rashford the opportunity as United’s No.9. We don’t think anyone is particularly convinced by that plan – Rashford and Amorim included – and we all know full well that if Rashford doesn’t score from that position on Sunday there will be widespread calls for the guy who’s scored 18 goals in 55 games but is granted extraordinary leeway compared to any other player, to start ahead of him.

A hat-trick would obviously be great for Rashford, Amorim would be hailed as a genius and Rasmus Hojlund can be the understudy he should have always been as a young striker.

Kieran McKenna sullies himself

As we’ve already said we want Amorim to do a good job and it feels slightly premature to be discussing his sacking. But there will be points when he will be under pressure at Manchester United and seemingly set for the exit, whether this season, in five seasons’ time or after a long drawn out Sir Alex Ferguson-like legacy that now we’ve imagined it makes us think that rather than wishing him well we should be putting some sort of jinx on him to prevent such a painful occurrence.

Anyway, what Amorim won’t want when the pressure builds is for there to be too many (or any, for that matter) attractive options to replace him at the club, and we reckon if we asked people now who will be the Manchester United manager after Amorim, a significant number would name McKenna as next in line.

Now, we suspect there will be sickening amounts of respect all round on Sunday what with McKenna coaching many of the Manchester United players that will be turning out and the Red Devils fans appreciative of his work in the academy and as Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s assistant before working his magic at Ipswich to bring them back to the promised land.

We don’t quite know what McKenna would have to do to sully himself to the point where he’s no longer considered a future option for United. He could give the fans the finger or call Bruno Fernandes a pr*ck, but he’s not one for confrontation even when provoked.

More likely he does something entirely by accident that the United fans can’t forgive, like Leny Yoro suffering another serious injury by falling into him. Even that may not be enough though. Probably needs to call someone a c***.

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Leif Davis gives Antony the runaround

There would be no better way for Amorim to endear himself to his new bosses than to find a use for a footballer they will otherwise have to take a £60m bath over, but we’re trying to be realistic.

Antony has been playing at right wing-back in training this week and assuming he doesn’t c*ck up so badly as to cost United the game against Ipswich, him being taught a lesson by Leif Davis would be no bad thing for Amorim, who can send the Brazilian packing to the reserves ahead of a January sale.

When asked about it he can raise his eyebrows, shrug and tell Dan Ashworth “hey, I tried” before playing Noussair Mazraoui.

Gary Cotterill banned from Old Trafford

We can see Gary now, rehearsing his opening gambit in Portuguese to welcome Amorim into the press conference after victory over Ipswich as a tongue-in-cheek reference to the viral video in which the Sky Sports reporter was outed as a Little Englander after imploring Amorim To Talk Proper while still managing Sporting. But in Amorim’s dreams he won’t be afforded the opportunity to make amends.

We wouldn’t blame Amorim for not wanting to answer another question from Cotterill again and toyed with the idea of him going to every press conference but not ever being picked out to ask one – which would indeed be funny – but have instead decided that the ideal scenario for Amorim would be for Cotterill to be barred from Old Trafford and forced to wait outside while the new United boss mouths “who’s got the ‘cold shoulders’ now?” through a window.

READ MORE: Ruben Amorim takes the Sporting high ground for Man Utd as shameful Gary Cotterill deserves the ‘cold shoulder’

Win

Probably a given what with Rashford scoring a hat-trick, but the gaping hole in midfield could still have been there and the defenders may again have forgotten to defend. Not in this case: the donut is filled and three centre-backs cures all defensive ills.

An academy debutant

One of the key factors in Amorim being given the job was supposedly his success in bringing talent into the Sporting first team from the academy and with a PSR-forced tightening of the purse strings at United, trust in the youth will likely be key to his success at Old Trafford.

The academy players need to be given the chance to prove themselves, and a game like this, with United 4-0 up with 20 minutes to play, is the perfect opportunity to blood that young talent and a sure fire way for the club chiefs, the fans and even the neutrals to fall immediately in love with Amorim.

There’s nothing quite like One Of Our Own, whether that be a 6ft 5ins giant of a centre-back or an ex-Arsenal striker.

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